BITCH!

I am thoroughly dissapointed. I was in the process of registering my first ever domain name (www.avenueb.com), but the sumbeech is already taken. That is the only name I want. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

TIRED.

I know I haven't posted in a while. Please forgive me- I've just had quite a few other things on my mind. I honestly don't even feel like blogging now but I was browsing some of my old photo albums and stumbled upon this picture:



This is my brother when he first got his glasses. I think this picture is absolutely adorable, although some of you may not. He does't wear his glasses much anymore but he's still a ladies man! Don't hate.

FUCK LOVE,

FUCK LIFE
& fuck chris.

Maybe I am better off alone.

DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY.

My day has been filled with wonderful news so I wanted to share my joy with all of you. Despite the adversities I've faced these last couple of weeks, I've tried to stay positive and keep fighting my way through the storm. It took patience and skill, but I've won the battle and the storm is over.. for now. I've learned that when something bad happens you're not supposed to drag your feet and hold your head in shame. Crying or sulking won't fix your problems. Instead, you have to pick yourself up, dust off your shoes, and keep on truckin'. Get your lazy ass up off that couch and make something happen. You have to fix your problems. The longer you wait for your problems to fix themselves, the more time and oppurtunity you've wasted. You gotta do what you gotta do to take care of yourself because no one else will take care of you. If you don't agree with me you're crazy. Oops, I seemed to have gone off on a tangent.

I'm having a great week, and I hope it continues this way. I'm looking forward to making more good things happen. These events are just a kickstart to my "comeback." I've been down for a while, but great things are in store for my future. Be on the lookout! Make your life, don't let it make you.

Thus far, today has beed a good day. I'm well rested, dressed nice, and actually motivated to get something done at work. I'm looking forward to tonight, though. If everything goes according to plan I should be sleeping at home in my own bed! I'm also looking forward to not having to drive to my mom's tonight, that is, if everything goes accordingly. Once rent is paid and electricity is back on I can look forward to smooooooooth sailing for the rest of this month.

I emailed my boss today and told her I'd like to meet with each of the ladies in the office so that I fully understand their expectations of me and vice versa. For those who don't know, I'm a receptionist. I have to cater to four very demanding women on a dailly basis. I want to make sure that we all have a mutual understand of the everyones expectations around here. She said it was a wonderful idea and that she would schedule the meeting sometime in the next day or so. I'm looking forward to it. There are some issues I hope to address. I'd better write them down somewhere, otherwise I'll forget.

Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday. Chris is supposed to be leaving in the morning for his best friends bachelor party in New Orleans, but he decided he might not go. I hope he doesn't because I don't want to have to worry about his ass actin' buck wild for 2 or 3 days. Especially in New Orleans. Maybe if I act like I really want him to go he'll get suspicious and end up staying. It's like reverse psychology. I know that's not how it would work. He'd end up going anyways, and doing something he wouldn't have done originally out of spite. That's how Chris operates. All I know is I'd prefer if he didn't go, and that's the end of that.

30 more minutes to go at work, so let me get to work and make it look like I've actually been doing something.

EDIT:// I love how nothing goes according to plan. Chris just called and said that RENT is paid, but ELECTRICITY won't be paid until Monday. Likely. What's rent without electricity? I can't sleep there anyways. Looks like I'm staying at mom's...again. FUCK!&#@

WAIT, SLOW DOWNNN.

WAIT, SLOW DOWNNNN.

Omg, I am so glad that my work day is almost over! I've only been here 3 weeks and I'm already becoming less motivated. When I'm not motivated I tend to not give a fuck, and when I don't give a fuck I tend to make a lot of little mistakes. My boss is having to repeat things she's already told me which doesn't make me look good. She shouldn't have to do that. I gave her a good first impression and I don't want her to start second-guessing her hiring decision. It's not that I don't like my job, I just don't love it. I get bored with doing the same things over and over. I like to conquer new challenges. I like change, period. Having to learn so much shit in such a short amount of time can be overwhelming. Luckily bosslady empathizes. It's the Real Estate industry so it's not all peaches and cream 'round here. Digg what I'm sayin'?

I don't have much else to update about. I just needed to vent. I get off in 8 minutes so I'm going to start cleaning off my desk and preparing to leave. I want to get out of here as fast as possible so I can get to my mom's sooner. I want to relax tonight, and try and get a decent night's rest. I need to sit still before my brain malfunctions. Have a good night.

LOST & FOUND.

LOST & FOUND.

Hola mis amigos! It's been almost a week since we've spoken. I've missed you guys. As you can see I've changed the layout again. I'm keepin' it simple for now. I'm trying to make a statement- a little subtlety can go a long way. Anyways, I decided to title this blog "lost and found," and I think you'll understand why once I explain. Over the past few weeks all I've seemed to blog about was how shitty my life was. I kept going on about all the negative things in my life that I wished I could change without taking a breath long enough to realize all the beautiful things I've been blessed with. I've complained mostly about my relationship and how it wished I could fix it. I thought I had lost it, but don't you always seem to find something you're looking for in the place you'd least expect? I was so consumed with the emotional technicalities and clichés of a relationship that I had forgotten how deeply in love with Chris I've become. I found the passion that I thought was dwindling away. I found the gentle, caring man who I thought had turned cold. I would look at a situation as it occurred and I always felt like I should change something, but really that's not how it's supposed to be. When I look at the bigger picture I wouldn't change my relationship for the world. I wouldn't trade anything I've been through, good or bad, for something ordinary. Absolutely not. My love is nothing short of extraordinary and it continues to blossom with time. I only hope that it continues and that my time isn't cut short. I've learned that nothing is perfect, and I have to work with what I've been given and I'm perfectly content with that.

On a lighter note- I had a decent Labor Day. It was a four day weekend from work so that was lovely. Electricity is still off at my house, so I've been staying at my mom's. It's an hour and a half away from work, and not very convenient but I don't have much of a choice right now. I'm just trying to survive- It's what I do. I'm ready for this week to be over and for everything to go back to normal- but I'm not complaining. I just want to be at home, in bed with my baby and not sleeping on my mom's little ass couch. I want to eat my own food and not have to feel like I'm a burden to my mother who also has 2 other mouths to feed. I've always been independent and felt like I can take care of myself, so I don't want to feel like I have to depend on someone to survive. Things should be back to normal Thursday, and then I'll be ready to deal with the next situation that's thrown my way. Right now the current situation is that I have a major headache so I'm going to call it a night. I have to get up early anyways.

I'd love to hear how your weekend was.

RANT.

WHOMP, WHOMP, WHOMPPP.

You people make me sick! For the past week now I've been searching HIGH and LOW for some interesting blogs to read. I thought it would be easy and that I might make a few Blogger friends. I found a few good reads, but damn all the rest of you bastards. Wtf is up with everyone having the same 4 or 5 links on their page?! I contemplate shooting myself after seeing the same page for the 15th time. How about you people get some friends outside of your BORING social network? Every page I go to looks the same. What happened to variety? What happened to substance? I guess I can't judge what a person write in their "diary," because I sometimes ramble on about nothing... I'm just irritated.

Bleh.

Yeah, it's another picture of Rihanna. No, I'm not some crazed fan, don't get it twisted. I just love fashion... I love seeing what the latest styles are and coming up with ideas of my own. There is never an outfit she wears that I disagree with so I'm just giving credit where credit it due. On another note, I'm still trying to decide what I want to do with my hair. It's so boring, and everyone says I look 15. I'm 20 and I atleast want to look that old. You got ideas? I want 'em. And now, I'm going to end this pointless blog. I wish everyone a blessed day!

Random blog, random day.

It's Tuesday.

My weekend went well as I had intended. I spent time with my mother and siblings and just enjoyed being back "home." My boyfriend and I took my little brother and sister to the skating rink and I must say I suck on skates. I started off on rollerblades but ended up switching to original skates which I've never skated on before. I don't understand how people can dance and do tricks on those damn things. I could barely move. I only fell once though... congratulate me! After we left my moms, we spent a couple of hours taking photos for the Future Entertainment website. Once the sun died down we spent a couple of hours chillin' at this small club Chris' grandmother runs. It was refreshing to just relax and listen to music. It was an older crowd so there were no niggas tryin' to "holla," no fights, and no ignorance. Just old people, soul music, and beer. Lol. We headed home after that. I had been anticipating a shitty week but things are going better than I had expected. Chris and I haven't been arguing, I'm starting to get the hang of things at work, and after a small emotional breakdown I've got my head screwed on tight and I'm ready for whatever! There's no use being down in the dumps because I'm doing better for myself than I can say for alot of people. I am truely blessed, and these trials are only a means of opening my eyes to the reality of life.

ON SOME RANDOM ISH:
Who else can wear a plain white tee and some beat up shorts and look sexy? Those sneakers are effin' hot, btw. Chris Brown is doing his young man thing these days and I respect his hustle. Speaking of music, the Nas concert is tonight at the House of Blues. I really wanted to get tickets for my boyfriend but I didn't find out about it until the weekend and I don't really have the money right now. He's really bummed. I adore Rihanna. Not only is she a talented singer, but I admire her sense of style. She's very classy and poised. I never see her doing anything trashy or sluttly like most of the celebrities her age [rolls eyes]. She reminds me of a younger version of Beyonce`. She's not afraid to break the celebrity mold and I respect her for that. Oh, and she has amazing legs! Moving on... I'm thinking of dying my hair "jet" black. It's dark brown right now and I've never died it... but I'm in the mood to try something new. I'm tired of being so "plain jane." What do you(s) think? Well, those of you who know what I look like anyways. Give me your feedback. I'm rambling. Love & leave comments... catcha ya later.

Today is going to be a good day, I promise. I'm staying at my moms until tomorrow, and she cooked breakfast for me. It was good, seeing as I don't get a cooked meal very often.

I am going to enjoy the rest of my weekend and I will update on Monday.

I FEEL LIKE DYIN'

I FEEL LIKE DYING

No...really.

My life is so conflicted right now. I don't know weather to push or pull. I keep searching for a means to an end, but I see no end in sight. Wow, I’m really not a kid anymore. No one can take care of me but me.

Here is some GOOD news for you:

I’m at least $600 behind on my car payment, and the only reason they haven’t repossessed it yet is because I didn’t give them my new address when I moved back to Texas nor did I file for a change of address. I’m hoping that if I devote my next 3 or 4 checks solely to the dealership they’ll overlook this little mishap and let me keep my car once I’m caught up.

Rent is due in a week which is $450 that I don’t have. My name isn’t on the lease, so technically I’m not obligated to pay but if I don’t who else will? I’m the only person with a job in the household currently.

I have to take wretched COLD showers every morning before work because we haven’t paid the gas bill and it’s been cut off for nearly a month. Cold showers for a month!

Electricity just got cut off. That’s another $100 bill I don’t have the money to fork over for right now. Electricity is one of the most important bills, and I can’t pay it. I got paid today, but I don't know which priority is TOP priority.

And on top of everything I have to constantly bitch, or be bitched at about something. Wait, did I said I had good news? How’s that for a struggle? I just wanted to give you people some real insight to what I go through. So don’t judge me. Good day.

EDIT*/ 4:26PM It's amazing how I start writing a blog with absolutely nothing to say and words start to flow like water. All the trapped emotions begin to pour out of me, but when you ask me what's wrong I simply reply "nothing."

Wow. It's been a crazy and slightly unsuccessful week. It wasn't a bad week...it just wasn't a good one like I had hoped. It was a "whatever, ain't shit else I can do about it" kind of week. I'm sure you have all experienced one or two of ‘em. Those weeks when there is something you've been desperately trying to accomplish, but you just can't seem to get it done. You've been trying your hardest to make a difference, but everyone seems to overlook your efforts. That's how my week has been. It went exactly how I expected it to. Nothing out of the ordinary. I’ll go more into detail about that later in the blog.

I wanted to take a second to recap on my relationship blog because it’s seems to tie in with a lot of the shit that’s going on in my life presently. You see, I'm with a really great guy and I truly love him, I just feel like I'm with him for all the wrong reasons. We have such an unhealthy and unstable relationship and I'm starting to realize that I may not end up with the one that I'm in love with. Make sense? It’s a war of words between us daily. We are constantly arguing to prove who is in control of “this” or “that” situation and I always seem to lose. I can’t seem to be myself around him anymore, although I just want to be ME again. It’s such a complex situation and I’m really hoping that someone out there has some solid advice for me.

BACK TO THE PRESENT

On a much lighter note…It’s been a while since I’ve really blogged. I just recently started updating again and it feels kind of good being able to vent my feelings to a completely unknown third-party. It’s good to know that someone is always listening. A lot has changed since my last blog in March. I was in Oklahoma then, and I’m finally back in Texas. I moved back with the intention of working for the same company I was working for down there, but due to a series of unfortunate events that didn’t fall through. I was without a job for about 2 weeks, but I’m finally back on my feet. I’m a receptionist for a Real Estate agency. It’s not easy being somebody’s bitch, but it pays well for the time being. I’m studying for the Postal Exam, because government jobs pay well and have awesome benefits. I’m looking to make a career, and become stable so $20hr sounds really appealing. On a much, MUCH lighter note. I changed my hair. For those who knew me before know that I’ve had BANGS my whole life. Now that bangs are “in style” I don’t have them. Oh the irony. Anyways, that’s pretty much all that is happening right now. It’s time to get off work, later dudes.

QUICK UPDATE.

Working on the new layout, as you can see. I'm at work, and I'm extremely busy so I don't have much time for leisurely activity. I promise I will blog later.. I've got plenty to say. Until then, be good.

RELATIONSHIPS.

For what? Someone please explain to me the point of being in a relationship? We all tell ourselves that we're in relationships to learn, and grow, and become closer with our significant other when we usually end up doing the exact opposite. We so long for some type of companionship that we often rush into things before actually taking the time out to asses the situation and decide if it's truely best for all parties involved. In most cases it's not. For most people, it's usually the physical attraction or the escape from their "real world" that kick-starts the relationship. For me, it was the fact that I was so tired of being alone. I thought I was happy with myself and the way my life was going. I told myself and others I was. That was just a front. What I've gathered from this year and a half battle of a relationship is that the biggest relationship flaw lies in the woman. We lose ourselves in love. It's inevitable. No matter how fucked up a creature the man is we have ourselves to blame. A man can lie to you, beat you, or cheat on you but as a woman we have to posess the strength and fortitude to walk away. No matter how much you may love someone you have to have the courage to know when it's time to walk away. I fell in love with a great guy, with so many flaws. It's a catch 22. I can't stand his ass, but I can't live without him. I think that through all him and I have been through I ultimately lost myself. I can't identify myself anymore. I'm just "relationship" Breanne. I'm the Breanne he wants me to be. Which brings me back to the question... for what? I'd go on, but I'm out of time.

FIRST POST

It's Sunday.

I had an almost perfect week. It was a busy week for sure, but a good one. I started my new job on Monday and I'm enjoying it so far. My feet hurt by the end of my shift but it's no big. Just in these first few days I've gained a lot knowledge which is always a good thing. Along with my progress at work, comes progress in my love life as well. "My Baby" and I are doing good. I should probably knock on wood before I jinx it. Anyways, I really think this time apart has been good for us. It's hard being apart but "absence makes the heart grow fonder," and there's no denying that. The majority may think I'm crazy, but I put my faith into this relationship...or whatever you'd call it. I want things to go the right way the second time around. I'm trying to take advantage of the oppurtunity I've been given to start over, literally. God, please continue to shower me with blessings. It's getting late so I'll keep it short. Tomorrow is Monday, which means back to work once again. Goodnight, everyone.