Today is going to be a good day, I promise. I'm staying at my moms until tomorrow, and she cooked breakfast for me. It was good, seeing as I don't get a cooked meal very often.

I am going to enjoy the rest of my weekend and I will update on Monday.

I FEEL LIKE DYIN'

I FEEL LIKE DYING

No...really.

My life is so conflicted right now. I don't know weather to push or pull. I keep searching for a means to an end, but I see no end in sight. Wow, I’m really not a kid anymore. No one can take care of me but me.

Here is some GOOD news for you:

I’m at least $600 behind on my car payment, and the only reason they haven’t repossessed it yet is because I didn’t give them my new address when I moved back to Texas nor did I file for a change of address. I’m hoping that if I devote my next 3 or 4 checks solely to the dealership they’ll overlook this little mishap and let me keep my car once I’m caught up.

Rent is due in a week which is $450 that I don’t have. My name isn’t on the lease, so technically I’m not obligated to pay but if I don’t who else will? I’m the only person with a job in the household currently.

I have to take wretched COLD showers every morning before work because we haven’t paid the gas bill and it’s been cut off for nearly a month. Cold showers for a month!

Electricity just got cut off. That’s another $100 bill I don’t have the money to fork over for right now. Electricity is one of the most important bills, and I can’t pay it. I got paid today, but I don't know which priority is TOP priority.

And on top of everything I have to constantly bitch, or be bitched at about something. Wait, did I said I had good news? How’s that for a struggle? I just wanted to give you people some real insight to what I go through. So don’t judge me. Good day.

EDIT*/ 4:26PM It's amazing how I start writing a blog with absolutely nothing to say and words start to flow like water. All the trapped emotions begin to pour out of me, but when you ask me what's wrong I simply reply "nothing."

Wow. It's been a crazy and slightly unsuccessful week. It wasn't a bad week...it just wasn't a good one like I had hoped. It was a "whatever, ain't shit else I can do about it" kind of week. I'm sure you have all experienced one or two of ‘em. Those weeks when there is something you've been desperately trying to accomplish, but you just can't seem to get it done. You've been trying your hardest to make a difference, but everyone seems to overlook your efforts. That's how my week has been. It went exactly how I expected it to. Nothing out of the ordinary. I’ll go more into detail about that later in the blog.

I wanted to take a second to recap on my relationship blog because it’s seems to tie in with a lot of the shit that’s going on in my life presently. You see, I'm with a really great guy and I truly love him, I just feel like I'm with him for all the wrong reasons. We have such an unhealthy and unstable relationship and I'm starting to realize that I may not end up with the one that I'm in love with. Make sense? It’s a war of words between us daily. We are constantly arguing to prove who is in control of “this” or “that” situation and I always seem to lose. I can’t seem to be myself around him anymore, although I just want to be ME again. It’s such a complex situation and I’m really hoping that someone out there has some solid advice for me.

BACK TO THE PRESENT

On a much lighter note…It’s been a while since I’ve really blogged. I just recently started updating again and it feels kind of good being able to vent my feelings to a completely unknown third-party. It’s good to know that someone is always listening. A lot has changed since my last blog in March. I was in Oklahoma then, and I’m finally back in Texas. I moved back with the intention of working for the same company I was working for down there, but due to a series of unfortunate events that didn’t fall through. I was without a job for about 2 weeks, but I’m finally back on my feet. I’m a receptionist for a Real Estate agency. It’s not easy being somebody’s bitch, but it pays well for the time being. I’m studying for the Postal Exam, because government jobs pay well and have awesome benefits. I’m looking to make a career, and become stable so $20hr sounds really appealing. On a much, MUCH lighter note. I changed my hair. For those who knew me before know that I’ve had BANGS my whole life. Now that bangs are “in style” I don’t have them. Oh the irony. Anyways, that’s pretty much all that is happening right now. It’s time to get off work, later dudes.

QUICK UPDATE.

Working on the new layout, as you can see. I'm at work, and I'm extremely busy so I don't have much time for leisurely activity. I promise I will blog later.. I've got plenty to say. Until then, be good.

RELATIONSHIPS.

For what? Someone please explain to me the point of being in a relationship? We all tell ourselves that we're in relationships to learn, and grow, and become closer with our significant other when we usually end up doing the exact opposite. We so long for some type of companionship that we often rush into things before actually taking the time out to asses the situation and decide if it's truely best for all parties involved. In most cases it's not. For most people, it's usually the physical attraction or the escape from their "real world" that kick-starts the relationship. For me, it was the fact that I was so tired of being alone. I thought I was happy with myself and the way my life was going. I told myself and others I was. That was just a front. What I've gathered from this year and a half battle of a relationship is that the biggest relationship flaw lies in the woman. We lose ourselves in love. It's inevitable. No matter how fucked up a creature the man is we have ourselves to blame. A man can lie to you, beat you, or cheat on you but as a woman we have to posess the strength and fortitude to walk away. No matter how much you may love someone you have to have the courage to know when it's time to walk away. I fell in love with a great guy, with so many flaws. It's a catch 22. I can't stand his ass, but I can't live without him. I think that through all him and I have been through I ultimately lost myself. I can't identify myself anymore. I'm just "relationship" Breanne. I'm the Breanne he wants me to be. Which brings me back to the question... for what? I'd go on, but I'm out of time.