This is me, can you deal?

I've been working on this for about a week now. I initially started writing it as an email to a 'loved one' that I've been at war with, but decided against sending it. I shouldn't have to tell HIM the things he should already know about me. Anyways, instead of wasting such precious content, why not post it? If you're curious — or bored, whatever — here's a read:

This is me, can you deal?
• I love tattoos and piercings, and I will probably end up getting more of either at some point. "The human body is always treated as an image in society" and it's like living, breathing, walking, talking art. My body is my canvas, and I get to share its meaning with the world.

• I wear 'crazy' outfits. Some may be less conventional than you're used to, but it's how I express who I am. Personal style is much more important to me than being trendy. I wear what I'm most comfortable in and don't care what anyone thinks. I hardly have anything 'designer' in my closet, and I shop at thrift stores. I'm all about being creative, and doing the shit myself.

• I do not, will not, nor have I ever followed any of the conventional 'rules of dating.' Obviously I have certain standards that I uphold, but if I feel like sleeping with you on the first night I will, and won't feel guilty about it. It's ALL about vibes with me.
• I am very outspoken, and sometimes what I say may offend you. Either you have the balls to talk shit back, or you're a pussy and you can keep your mouth shut. I don't always have a censor, and I'm not guarded in any way. What you see is what you get.

• I'm only 21, which means I have at least the next couple of years to decide which direction I'm going with my life. Until then, I may be broke, and unstable.

• I am very rebellious. If you try and pressure me to do something, or act a certain way, I won't do it mostly out of spite. I do things on Bre time, not when you think it should be done. Stop trying.

• I'm a free thinker and I make my own decisions. If I need your help I will ask for it and I will ALWAYS come to you when I need help making decisions that affect the both of us. Don't question my loyalty. And definitely don't discredit me based on your own prejudgments.

• I am the least jealous person in the world. I'm comfortable enough with myself and what I have to offer that I don't waste my time being jealous of you or anyone else. I respect honesty more than anything and if you compromise the trust in our relationship, friendship, or otherwise, you’re not worth having in my life. Bare in mind, I give second chances, but 3 strikes and you’re out! Don't take my kindness for weakness, I am territorial and WILL put a bitch in his or her place. :]

• I don't subscribe to any labels, including when it comes to my sexual orientation. I think both men and women are beautiful, and I won't turn down a date with someone — guy or girl — because of gender, race, religion, etc. Love is love and it knows no boundaries.

• I am naturally flirtatious. It's a part of who I am and it's not something I can turn off; most of the time I don't even realize when I'm doing it. My being flirtatious should not be confused with promiscuity and you should still proceed with caution. I know my limits, make sure you know yours.

• Half the fun of anything is the chase. I always want what is considered 'off limits,' and will definitely work to acquire whatever that may be. I almost always get what I want. Just saying.
I'm obviously open to answering personal questions so if you have any, be my guest. :]

Synchronization.

Dear Chris; If only we could synchronize our hearts they way you synchronize a watch. How dare you try and break a bond so strong. Why won't you just give me what I want? I'm so tired of fighting with you — trying desperately to get my point across — and then running back into your arms. You're my best friend and I don't want to lose you, but I want much more than what you're able to offer me. I want 100% of you. If you can't offer that now, after 3 years, when will you ever? I done waiting. I have to move on with my life. Don't try and stop me from searching for my happiness, if you don't have what it takes. Let me get back to loving myself unconditionally the way I loved you. Let me rebuild the bridges I've burned, and reestablish the lines that I've crossed in order to keep you. Let me reclaim my independence and stand up for what the fuck I believe in. Let me learn, grow, and be free so that I can mold myself into the person that I'm supposed to be. If you can't handle me being me, just let me go.

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It's a new year and a new me, bitches! I know that sounds cliché, but so far my actions and my words are in sync. I've been working hard to stay out of trouble these past few months and it's starting to pay off. Although stressful (and a bit emotional), I am definitely on the right track and plan on making some significant accomplishments this year. The first of my accomplishments is finally being able to move out of this shoebox I call my apartment. I've outgrown the space — and the memories we've created — and I'm ready for a fresh start. I'll have a roommate which will save tons on living expenses, and I can use that extra cash to invest in my future. Look at me being all self sufficient and shit. I don't need you, Chris. I never have. I've just always wanted you around and it looks like times are changing.

Break-ups are a bitch.

"I have the most beautiful time with you. You are my friend, my enemy, my boyfriend, my lover, my heaven, my hell, my earth, my stars. You make me happy, sad, angry, jealous, joyful, hopeful. You are my muse, I can create things in your presence. I am full of life when I am with you. You give me energy, and you take it away. There is not one thing that I want to do without you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You complete me." (Written on July 16, 2009)

So after almost 3 years of fighting this Love war — one whose outcome I thought was destined to turn out in my favor — it's finally over. Chris and I broke up, and I'm having mixed emotions. I'm happy for my freedom, but it's going to be really hard getting used to life without him around. I can't go back, though. How do I stop myself from calling and texting when I start feeling dependent again? How do I make him realize what he's really lost? How do I get him to understand why I'm so fed up? Is it even worth trying to get him to see or should I just move on and create a life for myself, and myself only? Questions I need answered, and only I can answer them. I guess it's time for me to start "soul searching" and decide what it is that I really want. No rush, I've got plenty of time, right?

Wake up, and smell the money.

I'm feelin' a little inspired today. I read someone's blog earlier, and the girl wrote a letter to herself 15 years from now. What a great idea!? So, I think I am going to do the same. This will take me a while, but I will definitely post the finished product.

Aside from that, I've had a pretty awesome day to say the least. I woke up early this morning and went to Toni&Guy to get my hair done. I got it cut really short — something I've been dying to try. I finally grew the nuts and just did it. I love it! Of course it will take some getting used to, but I'm sure I will adjust quickly. Here is a picture:



I also got my laptop out of layaway. Doing these things make me feel really good about myself. I enjoy the instant gratification. I'm anxious to go home and get things set up although I'm really tired and I'll most likely just crash. Anyways, lastly, I bought the wedges I've been dying for for probably the past month. Now that I'm broke my day is complete and that's about all I needed to update on. Getting ready to catch up on Big Brother episodes until work is over. G'night.

feelin' the love.

Must be motivated.


best friend, lover. <3